TMF Pie (A Parody)

South Mill Creek Church pie booth is one of the Treasure Mountain Festival parking lot originals, and honestly one I’ve overlooked during my years at the festival. I told them I would write them a promotional piece eventually.

It became a challenge for two reasons. The Lutheran Potato poem went viral in 2016. I’ve learned from past successes to never expect your follow-up to land the same way, no matter how good it is.

Secondly, in thinking about writing this I could never shake the tune of American Pie by Don McLean. Maybe it was because that’s the only real pie-related song in modern music, maybe it was Weird Al’s Star Wars themed rendition that put it back in the mainstream psyche. Maybe (most likely) it was 9th grade Franklin High School English class.

Either way, after a year of fighting the urge I went full-on American Pie parody. Speaking of Weird Al, I used his template as it contains 3,000 fewer verses. As I was doing this I also realized that the song has a lot of tempo changes that don’t translate well to poetry, but you’ll get the idea – especially if you listen to the original(s) first.

TMF Pie

A long, long time ago
I can still remember,
The town parking lot at TMF.
And I knew if I had some bucks,
I had any choice of food trucks,
And maybe make my belly full for a while.

But funnel cakes went downtown,
The burger stand stopped coming ‘round.
Bad news around the corner,
The hotdog booth was no more.

I don’t remember what else was there,
I was young and craved a specific fare.
But the opportunity I missed was rare,
The day I discovered pie.

Oh, my, it’s the South Mill Creek pie,
It was no daydream to have ice cream right there on the side.
And those festival-goers eating dessert by the slice,
Saying this will be the stand I see twice.
This’ll be the dessert I eat twice.

Did you write the nutrition facts,
And do you haul these from Upper Tract,
Even if 220 has curvy lanes?
Did you see the prices are so low?
Marie Callender can’t go toe to toe.
Yes, I had to Google “national pie chains.”

Well, I know Cheesecake Factory is a thing,
But the nearest one is in McLean.
And 161 miles is much too far to drive,
When the third weekend in September arrives.

Can you believe a church group could,
Make seven varieties of heavenly food?
They even made raisins taste good.
The day I discovered pie.
I started eating

Oh, my, it’s the South Mill Creek pie,
It was no daydream to have ice cream right there on the side.
And those festival-goers eating dessert by the slice,
Saying this will be the stand I see twice.
This’ll be the dessert I eat twice.

Now, it was finally my turn in line
And choose a pastry on which to dine
But I couldn’t decide what to eat.

So I did a quick scan of the list,
To see if there was something I had missed.
And felt strawberry rhubarb and I should meet.

And I was about to place my order,
I wondered if I had a disorder.
I couldn’t decide on a few,
I had to get more than two.

And heard a voice from my stomach growl,
‘Let’s get those carbs in me right now.’
I reached for a fork and paper towel,
The day I discovered pie.
Let’s get to eating!

Oh, my, it’s the South Mill Creek pie,
It was no daydream to have ice cream right there on the side.
And those festival-goers eating dessert by the slice,
Saying this will be the stand I see twice.
This’ll be the dessert I eat twice.

I finished off each and every bite,
The cherry and blueberry right on site.
The peach also didn’t get a chance to last.

I went down to the potato stand,
a slice of apple in each hand.
But the man there said they sold out fast.

And in the end I could barely breathe,
Punishment for my gluttony.
And not a word was wasted,
My throat was full of things I tasted.

And the two foods I desire goes –
Crab cakes and baked potatoes.
Now adding a third thing to those,
The day I discovered pie.
And I stopped eating.

Oh, my, it’s the South Mill Creek pie,
It was no daydream to have ice cream right there on the side.
And those festival-goers eating dessert by the slice,
Saying this will be the stand I see twice.
This’ll be the dessert I eat twice.

I’m finished eating.
My my, it was that South Mill Creek pie,
It was no daydream to have ice cream right there on the side.
And those festival goers eating dessert by the slice,
Saying I’m so full I feel like I could die.

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